Anxiety Aside – Toxic Friendships

In my 24 years of life I have met some really amazing people. I feel so grateful for the friends that have turned into family and the memories that I have been lucky to make with them. Growing up, my friend groups would change every few years, but my core inner circle always stayed the same. From a very young age I had several best friends that I would see on a daily basis and with all of our parents being very good friends, we were destined to be close from the start. I am very appreciative of the fact that I still am in touch with a lot of the people I grew up with, but I definitely don’t want to sugarcoat all of those friendships because some of them weren’t healthy for a lot of reasons. It took me years, and I mean YEARS to step away from some friendships that were wholeheartedly toxic, in every sense of the word. When you see a person almost every day from the age of 2-22, it’s very difficult to detach yourself from them. There are so many great things that can come from knowing your best friend since you were young, but for me it was definitely not always sunshine and roses. Being a couple years out of that toxic situation, I can look back and articulate those complicated feelings and share my personal story of finding my self worth through it all. This situation impacted my life so drastically and I am ready to share it. Let’s just jump right in!

Like I mentioned before, I met my ex best friend when I was 2 years old and we were essentially attached at the hip from that day on. Things were never perfect, but what do you expect when you’re kids? In the beginning it seemed like normal childish conflicts, but as I got older I realized that it seemed like a bigger issue. I didn’t really know what that meant, but I recognized that I would leave hangouts emotionally exhausted and confused. It felt like I was trying so hard to keep my friend happy, but nothing I did was good enough. I took such a big responsibility on my shoulders to appease her and it left me very meek. The mind games she would play were so overwhelming and to this day I shutter when I think about it all. It wasn’t all bad though and that’s what messed with my head the most. We had fun times and moments would be great, but in a second it would change and I wouldn’t know what had happened. I never knew what version of her I would get everyday and that caused so much stress in my life. She was my best friend though and we knew everything about each other so that’s all that matters right?… right?… yeah let’s go with that for now… So the years went on and as we got older the situations became more serious, but I still remained the shy voiceless girl. I’m reluctant to share this story just because it’s very personal, but I feel like I need to give a little context to some of the situations I would deal with being her friend and this one really sticks out to me. One day we were hanging out at her house by ourselves and we decided to make pasta. When it came time to pour the noodles out, she told me to hold the colander while she dumped them. In that process she managed to pour scalding hot boiling water onto my fingers, leaving them in excruciating pain. Now I want to highlight the fact that she didn’t do it on purpose by no means, but it was her reaction that left me shocked. While I stuck my fingers under cold water she began to yell at me for doing so. I will never understand why, but she got so mad that I was treating my burnt hands and said that I couldn’t use the sink water at her house. Not even an ounce of remorse or even an apology for that matter. When I think back to that day there are so many things I wish I had said, but I let it go and suffered instead of sticking up for myself. My parents would have to intervene in situations like that, but it never really helped and it got to the point where they would tell me that being her friend probably isn’t the best, but I didn’t know how to move on without her because our friendship was all I really knew. There were so many times that I would try to address things with her and express my frustrations, but she would always turn things around to make me the bad guy. Now I’m in no way saying that I am this perfect human being without fault, I definitely had my moments in the friendship too, but let’s be real, I would never yell at someone for sticking their burned hands under cold water. I was a really good friend to her and I know that for a fact. So anyways, years went on and the very toxic friendship continued. We’re entering adulthood and at this point I’m completely aware that our friendship will never be healthy, but I still didn’t have the strength to end it. I would tell her I couldn’t hangout with her anymore, but a month later we would start talking again and I would miss seeing her everyday. It was an endless cycle that always left me in the same empty place. She would show her true colors and I would be reminded once again that she doesn’t have my best interest in mind. Every single person around me would be so confused as to why I still talked to her and I wouldn’t have an answer. I wanted so badly to make the break from her, but our lives were so intertwined. We were older though and the situations became even more painful. She would call me to tell me she was pulling down my street to pick me up because we had plans that day, but never would show. I would stand outside waiting for her and it would be radio silence. When I would try to ask her what had happened, she never said anything and would just send me a funny meme to try and smooth things over. This was a daily occurrence and I was so desensitized to it that I would forgive and move on. I had so many other healthy friendships that were a breath of fresh air, but I still made excuse after excuse for her. I thought that I was bound to the toxicity forever, but then I reached my breaking point.

Towards the middle of 2018 I got a call from her and she asked if I could get her a job at my work. I was so reluctant because I had just started creating a life on my own away from her and I genuinely was happy with it. It had felt as though I was slowly making the break, but I still had a soft spot for her and agreed to help her out. She started at my work less than a week after our phone call and it went downhill really fast. Right off the bat she began to call in sick day after day and essentially screwed over my boss and all of my coworkers. She did what she does best and disregarded any responsibility and had 0 care in the world about what it means to have a job. It got to the point where she just wouldn’t show up and over time it resulted in her getting fired. When I say that she caused so much stress for everyone involved, I don’t mean that lightly. I stuck my neck out for her and truly wanted to see her thrive, but she didn’t care and it showed. I let her into my world once again and welcomed her with open arms into the life I had worked so hard for and she didn’t appreciate it at all. That was the turning point for me and I haven’t seen her since the last day we worked together. I am so proud of myself for finally choosing my happiness for once. The stories I shared were just a few of thousands. There is so much more that happened over the course of our friendship, but I do feel like some situations should remain private. Let’s just say that most of my life was spent as her punching bag and I can see now how much my mental health suffered because of her. I have grown so much through the entire process and these last 2 years have been so refreshing for me as I navigate new healthy friendships with a clearer perspective.

This post is a little heavy, but I wanted to end on a positive note. I am grateful for everything I have learned over the years and I know this whole situation has taught me so much about myself. My voice matters and it’s so important that I speak up when someone isn’t respecting my boundaries. It’s not my job to put someone else’s happiness before mine and I am allowed to make changes in my own life. I will never take for granted the wonderful friendships that I have made over the years because I truly needed them. It’s so important to recognize that there are good people in this world and in the moments that felt the loneliest, God showed up and brought friends to me that truly care about my happiness. It’s so refreshing to know that there are people in my corner who want to see me thrive and that means so much to me. I deserve to be surrounded by people who make me feel good about myself and I will never settle for anything less than that. I don’t know what my ex best friend is up to these days, but I wish her the best and truly hope she’s happy.

This is probably one of most personal blog posts that I am going to share so please be kind when you read it. Being vulnerable is difficult, but I want my blog to be as real as possible. I wanted to address this topic because it has had a huge impact on my life and maybe someone will benefit from reading it. Thanks for stopping by!