These last few months have been filled with so many different emotions and for the longest time it felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. This season of life has been one of the most challenging and I have had to focus on just taking it one day at a time to survive. It’s an understatement to say that I was not thriving and the funk I was in seemed never ending. The new year is always a fresh start and I definitely had that initial burst of motivation to get my life in order, which inevitably crashed to a halt one week into January. Living in the little bubble I confined myself to, I swallowed the hard pills every day of expectations that were not met last year. I know for a fact I’m not the only one that had plans fall apart in 2020 and it stung for real. It all has weighed heavy on my soul for quite some time and to this day, I still feel my heart mourning some parts of the life I knew before. I’ve done a fair share of soul searching recently and I think I’m ready to share a new and exciting update about what life looks like for me now!
Before I continue I want it to be clear that I definitely do not have everything all figured out and my ducks are not all in a row…. yet. Life is a constant uphill battle and if we wait till we’re completely ready, we would never accomplish anything. I’m meeting you where I’m at today with a heart full of feelings and a mind full of thoughts that I’m compelled to share. I have spent so much time wallowing in my self pity and letting each week pass me by without giving it a second thought. My mental health was not at all where I wanted it to be and each new day was more daunting than the one before. Life seemed so mundane and I wanted so bad to shake the feeling of dread that overwhelmed me. It had been over 6 months of carrying the weight of life, heavy on my shoulders so I took a step back and evaluated everything. When you’re battling with discontentment, it can be so easy to look for fulfillment in temporary things and I definitely leaned into that more than ever. With that in mind I looked at each day and intentionally focused on the areas in my life where I was wasting the most time. My biggest culprit was watching Youtube, playing Animal Crossing, and scrolling aimlessly on every social media platform that resides on my phone. I wanted to cling to anything that helped me escape from reality and distracted me from my own personal struggles. It’s been a hard habit to break, but I have been doing my best to put my energy into things that are more life giving than social media and it has had a very positive impact on my life! On top of removing toxic outlets from my day, I have also added some really healthy ones. Working out and eating more nourishing foods has been great for me as well. I had to find out the hard way again that the little things we do/don’t do in our day can add up to being something pivotal. It’s up to me to make choices in my life that are for my benefit and I can see a difference in my mood already.
The little changes are so important, but I was also feeling like a bigger change was on my heart as well. Crazy right? I was bombarded by so much unwanted change last year, why on earth would I want to bring more on? That is a question I had to ask myself a million times, and it always had the same answer. I knew deep down that I was trying so hard to keep life the same as what it used to be because everything seemed to be slipping through my fingers. I knew I was holding on to something that was leaving me feeling empty and doing more harm than good because like it or not, life was different. So with a lot of thought and weighing the pros and cons endlessly, I decided to quit my job. This job was my security blanket for about the last 3 years and leaving it seemed almost impossible at first. Over time my mindset changed though and I found so much excitement at the thought of starting fresh, that I knew it was time. An excitement that I hadn’t felt in what seems like forever washed over me and the light started to shine in. Something I had to learn was that it’s okay to mourn the loss of a season of life while also being excited for the next. So with all that in mind I put in my two weeks and had my last day on February 19th. Saying goodbye was obviously bittersweet, but I have never been so at peace with a decision like that. There is so much to look forward to and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me. Down the road I hope I’ll be able to share more about what’s next, but for now I just want to end this with a positive conclusion.
Change can be scary, but nothing felt worse to me than sitting in my own self doubt and anxiety. Sometimes our hearts need a refresh and an opportunity to start something new. There will always be trials, but I am comforted by the fact that God is with me always and no matter what, His plan for my life will prevail. Leaning into God’s promises through every heartbreak that I have felt has calmed my soul more than you will ever know. We all have so much potential and we can do anything we set our minds to. Life is so precious and It’s so important to cherish the time we have on this earth. There is so much hope in each new day and I am excited to see what they have in store!
life with Ash 