As i’ve gotten older I have realized that there are so many difficult choices you will have to face on a daily basis. Situations are never really cut and dry and when it comes down to it, someone involved is usually let down in the long run. There is always a sense of guilt when I have made a choice and then changed my mind a little while later. I don’t ever want to disappoint someone and sometimes, eating my words that have already been spoken can leave a bad taste in my mouth. In a perfect world, decisions are final and people always follow through with what they say they’re going to do, but that’s not reality unfortunately. We don’t live in a perfect world and more times than not, minds will be changed and it won’t always go the way you’d hoped. It can be brutal when you’re on the receiving end of someone changing their mind but for me, there is just as much emotion with being the one to go back on their word. There have been so many moments in my life when I felt so much shame for deciding a different path and prayed that everybody involved would understand where i’m coming from. If you are anything like me, you need time to process situations and sometimes that results in finding clarity, in a not so timely manner. Life can be so unpredictable and it is important to choose the path that is best for you. It can be hard to feel like you are letting someone down, but at the end of the day, your happiness and well being is top priority. I used to always feel like I needed to put everyone else’s happiness in front of mine and over time it took a huge toll on my overall mental health. It’s so great to be a generous, thoughtful individual, but if you give too much of yourself, the light inside you will slowly start to fade. I have spent the last few years creating a life that I was proud of, and a huge wake up call I had was allowing myself to recognize the people in my life who were taking more than I was giving them. My outlook on friendships/relationships was so skewed that I thought if I ever ruffled the feathers in the slightest, I was a bad person. I was complacent to the point of being embarrassingly voiceless. It was over time that I realized my voice matters in this world and I can speak up about something that I am feeling. Being a considerate person does not mean you can’t have a say in how you live your life. It’s impossible to make everyone happy all the time so you might as well not try. Changing your mind is a part of life and it’s okay to do it, even if other people don’t fully understand why. Don’t get me wrong, everything I have said so far is easier said then done so don’t think for a second that I am approaching this as if you’re a completely heartless person with no remorse. Trust me, I know for me that choosing myself was the hard thing to do and I would beat myself up about it no matter the situation. I wanted to talk about this topic because I am currently going through one of those scenarios and to be honest, it sucks. I have had to take a step back and evaluate some big life decisions I was about to make, and decided to pump the brakes. I let some people down and felt like I was hardcore back peddling, while simultaneously overexplaining my reasonings. In the beginning I talked the situations up so high and was so matter of fact that now if i’m being honest, I feel a little foolish. It has taken so much out of me to pause for a moment and show myself grace for even just a second. My knee jerk reaction is to internalize the guilt and get frustrated with myself and that is exactly why I wanted to write this blog post. I want my knee jerk reaction to shift and I am actively going to be working on that moving forward. People don’t change overnight and I need to be intentional with how I speak to myself because it matters. I have a habit of word vomiting in hopes of getting my point across and at the end of the day, the ones that truly care about me will understand, without me having to spell it out on paper. I know my intentions are never ill willed and it’s not really my job to prove that. It can be so easy to feel like you have the weight of someone else’s happiness on your shoulders and that is a lot of pressure for one human to deal with. It’s inevitable, you are going to disappoint people every now and again and that’s just the reality of life. I think it’s time that we start to acknowledge the fact that some situations are just not meant to be and we shouldn’t jump down anyone’s throat when they change their mind. Sometimes we can be fickle people and sometimes our intuition steers us in a different direction. As I continue to live each day with an intentional mindset, I am reminded that it’s okay to not have it all figured out yet. Growth takes time and I know that I am not confined to the bubble I try to keep myself in. This year has been difficult for so many reasons and I know i’m not the only one when I say that I am still processing how to move forward. When the world essentially stops, you start to evaluate how you’re approaching each day and I want to approach mine with a grateful, honest heart.
life with Ash 