If you would have told me a year ago what life would look like now, I wouldn’t have believed you. As I look back on the first half of 2020 I am astonished that we’re already in July, but also feel like this year is never-ending. I have tried to process the last several months and I feel as though it’s all just a blur. The uncertainty of life is overwhelming and I have definitely learned that just taking things one day at a time is best. My mindset has changed drastically over the course of this year and I wanted to talk about it because I feel like maybe I’m not the only one. We’re all on different walks of life and our outlook on situations will most likely be different, but this is personally how I’ve been feeling so let’s just dive on in!
At the beginning of the year I felt a little bit discontent and knew I wanted to begin a new chapter at some point. I didn’t really know exactly what that meant, but I could feel in my heart that I was craving something different. My life seemed a bit stagnant and the mundane day to day became a bit unbearable. I decided to take a leap and planned to take a month off of work to go stay with my sisters who live in Washington State. My hopes for the trip weren’t totally clear, but I was very much looking forward to a nice break and little bit of a reset. I planned my trip for mid March and when the time rolled around, things in the world were becoming more serious. I arrived in WA on March 15th and by the 17th, everything was shut down. I spent the next two months with my sisters in their apartment and it was wild. It was nothing that I planned for, but I am very grateful that I was with them in WA for the majority of quarantine. We played so many board games and watched so much Netflix and it was pretty nice, considering the circumstances. Obviously, we got bored and had our moments of distress, but overall we handled it pretty well. As much as I was happy that I got to spend that crazy time with my sisters, I eventually became very homesick and knew that I wanted to go home. It had almost been two months and I needed a change of scenery.
At the beginning of May, me and my sisters decided to take a road trip to Southern California where the rest of my family and I live. We hopped in the car and after a very long 20 hour drive, we surprised my parents and all spent the following 3 weeks together. It was honestly such a nice time and I will cherish those moments forever. No one really had anywhere to be and we could just spend quality time together as a whole family. With both my sisters living in a different state, we hardly get to all be together at once. We all typically spread our trips out and visit at different times of the year so this was a nice change. At the time, we didn’t know how long we would all be together for because all of our jobs were put on pause until further notice. The days went by and we soaked up every minute we had with each other, knowing that life would resume eventually. The 3 week mark rolled around and it was time for that life pause to end. My heart wasn’t ready and I felt like I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to when I originally took that time off in March. I was used to being with my sisters every minute of everyday for so long that the thought of being so far away again was daunting. I didn’t know how I was going to adapt back to “normal” life, but I knew I had to. My sisters said goodbye and we all did our best to readjust back to adulthood. It was hard. I didn’t expect it to be so difficult, but the first week was definitely mentally exhausting.
It’s been about a month since my sisters left and what a whirlwind it has been. I went back to work and let me tell you, waking up at 5:30am when you have been used to not setting an alarm for 3 months is ROUGH. But, I did the thing and forced myself to overcome the dread with gratefulness that I am able to even go to work. The days went by and each one felt weird. Life in general felt weird. Nothing was seemingly the same and I couldn’t (can’t) wrap my head around the fact that we’re in summer. Life stopped, but time didn’t and that is such a strange concept. I was feeling very unsettled and it made me overthink everything. Over the course of this past month I have talked about wanting a fresh start and contemplating a big life change, deciding to move forward with that said change, came weeks away to following through with big change, to pumping the brakes and realizing that now is not a good time. My mind has been on a roller coaster of emotions and I am just now finding a little bit of clarity. I’m only speaking for myself when I say that now is not a smart time for me to do any long term change. This year has been hard enough and the last thing I need to give up is stability. I am choosing to see the good in my life and realize that maybe the fresh start I needed was just a fresh perspective. I definitely view things differently and am cherishing what I have more. These times are tough and it’s important to be gentle with ourselves as we process new situations and emotions. We’re all doing our best to cope with this new reality and I pray we find peace through it all. We’re only half way through the year, but I am ready for what’s next and find comfort knowing God is in control.
Disclaimer: I’m not addressing specific world events in this blog post because I don’t feel it’s necessary. I acknowledge that there are other people who are going through harder times than me and my prayers go out to them all. The purpose of this post is to just share my honest thoughts about how I’ve been feeling recently and I am definitely not discrediting anyone else’s struggles. This is just a snippet into my life and I hope you enjoyed reading it!(:
life with Ash 